Wishing for the Nonexistent
...as far as I know, anyway.
I think that most of the things we want in life are things that exist:
coffee beans
people who want to join a game night
the name of the book we read in high school where the evil female antagonist gets her comeuppance via the mechanisms of shackles and snakes
Sometimes these existent things are impossible to obtain because of the amount desired:
money enough to buy a house in either Japan or Scotland, somewhere out in the countryside (but with train access to a larger city), with wooded land and a creek running past
enough time to read and listen to all the books I own
or because of the physics of time and/or the biological imperatives under which we all live:
to not have lost precious things like, say, a class ring or a friend
to be able to let those who have gone know how very loved they were and how grateful I am
tangentially, to never cause anyone I care about pain or grief
Some things that I want, tho, don’t exist, and I like to think about these. It is easier to miss out on something you can’t have anyway:
a word that, unlike “regret”, points out that an action or event may not have been wise, but, given the chance, we would not un-do it. If anyone has a good word for this, please let me know. For example, I don’t regret my first marriage, because it was the conduit by which I have attained my child, her children, my husband, the trajectory my life has taken… everything I now have and am. Still, it wasn’t a wise move.
salty or sour hard candy. I don’t think I can emphasize enough how hard it is to diet as a savory food lover. If you enjoy sweets, you can get a hard candy and, as long as you don’t chew it, have almost an hour of flavor in your mouth. I don’t want any sweetness, though. I want something to keep me from snacking, but I want it savory. I want hard “candy” that tastes like sour cream and onion dip, sharp cheddar and pickle, toms on marmite toast… The first time I was made to diet - when I was in middle school - I used to carry around bullion cubes which I would unwrap and lick when I needed to taste something. I’d prefer to not do this again, but sugar seems to be the only substance, outside of yak cheese, that hardens like boiled sweets in this way… Hmmmm. Maybe human-grade, flavored yak cheese is the answer?
dark as a thing, rather than the absence of a thing. I sit here in wabi-less/sabi-free, sunshine-drenched, lighting-littered Southern California, permanently in search of shady corners in which to read and recharge. No, I don’t want a white LED lamp, or a skylight. I want a blanket fort that won’t overheat. Barring that, I want dark to be a thing, rather than the absence of light. I want a flashdark, and darkbulbs so that I can create it anywhere. Come on, physics people, this can’t be out of the realm of possibility, can it? Isn’t this the future?